tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
