if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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