the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
