The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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