So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
