Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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