drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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