My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was born a porn star she said
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
