How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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