I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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