Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
