: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
only if we run a train.
done.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
