I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
