My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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