I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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