dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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