I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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