Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
