good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
