He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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