i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
