This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
