I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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