I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
