She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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