jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
