3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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