tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
