my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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