batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
