Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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