sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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