Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
