So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Alive.
So much puke
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
