Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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