Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
