capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
