a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize