I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
