I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
