I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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