did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
A bitchslap is in order.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
