Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
