dude i'm inner monologue high
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We have started to decorate penises.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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