the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
