It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
