And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
