i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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