If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize