the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
