he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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