i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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