OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
