Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
