so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize