What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i came on her dog
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
