I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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