I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
