Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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