I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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